


Tallywhackers Ho

by Jokess



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Age Difference, Aphrodisiacs, Fuck Or Die, Grandpa Harley is Dad Egbert's half uncle in-law, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Incest, M/M, Multi, Porn With Plot, Uncle/Nephew Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:07:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21862696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jokess/pseuds/Jokess
Summary: A familiar threat doses the drinking water for nefarious purposes separate from the expedition Hass Harley, James Egbert and Dave Strider are on. Feelings rise up first, fucking ensues in the second chapter and there is a whole assfuck full of plot which just barely comes to the surface because there's like, maybe three degrees of separation between any two characters.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Grandpa Harley | Beta Jake English/Dad Egbert
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2
Collections: Bucket Swap 12th Perigee 2019





	1. Love Potion No. 9

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheMockingCrows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMockingCrows/gifts).



> There's not a drop of blood between Hass and James and they didn't meet until they were both adults, but it's still tagged just in case.   
> FYI: Hass is 69, James is 48, Dave is 24. I have no good reason, other than canon parallel, for these ages, I just wanted James to be twice as old as Dave and Hass to be 69

Dave was so very not used to any of this bullshit even though he hadn’t exactly led a comfortable and lavish lifestyle up until college. Just the opposite, but that was a BS childhood origin story for another day, another time, another campfire. Right now what was important was...well, a lot of things he supposed, but first and fucking foremost was the straining cock shades level and inches away from his face. More important, though somehow not as dire feeling, were the muffled moans of the man that the almost comically erect dick was attached too.

“Holy shit, that looks painful, what the fuck old man?” Smooth Dave, smooth. But to be fair, of all the insane and gnarly ways he’d seen Hass Harley tied up, "Absolute fuck all except a hither unto unknown aphrodisiac which had polluted the local water supply." was the most gnarly. Perhaps they should have known though, because just the other night they'd been commenting on the ridiculous amount of baby animals in the area. They’d put the amount down to nice weather and a good food supply untouched by humans, but obviously that wasn’t the case. James would, hopefully, worry about the obvious human involvement, no way was aphrodisiac like this was organic, later, but for now this was an all hands on dick scenario, apparently. According to Hass anyway, who had approached him not ten minutes ago and dropped trou like it was nothing while he’d been getting the campfire going.

“Dave, that’s the fifth time you’ve asked that in twice as many minutes, what are you taking offense to this time?” James said, much too nonplussed by this whole scenario. Had Dave not known better, he’d have sworn up and down that their resident wrangler had gone through this exact scenario. He had not and Dave would bet all the money he’d ever make that he’d never been in a situation even close to like this. Which begged the question of just how much Hass bullshit James put up with throughout his life.

“Yeah, that would be a big, "Why the fuck isn’t his throbbing man meat being stuck in your face, Egbert? The deal is fuck or die, right so why am I the first option again? Not that I’m saying no, that’d be fucked- not that this whole situation isn’t fucked, what kind of shitheel puts love potion number nine in the drinking supply anyway? But that’s just it, don’t you think it’s a little suspicious that he’s over here trying to get sucked off by the twenty-four-year-old? Youngblood and all that shit. So what if it’s an effect of the bad hoodoo shit in the water? What if I get pregnant? I ain’t deliverin’ no chest baby, both Alien and Twilight screamed why that was a horrible idea.”

A breathless chuckle interrupted him mid-rant. The nerve. If Hass wasn’t dying, he’d have half a mind to be annoyed. “If it’s all the same to you chum, I’d much rather you fuck me as of ten minutes ago."

Well, that was a thing now. “Well, that’s a thing now. One hell of a thing too, just look at that thing standing before us; all out in the open and exposed like it’s the most normal fucking thing in the world and not some crazy bullshit. Some crazy, horny bullshit spewed by a guy you’d think had never seen a pair of tits before. Or balls I guess, since we all know the type of guy who’s looking to be fucked and heterosexuality, as sold by the masses, ain’t exactly his thing. Not that he’s gay necessarily, but someone straight as an arrow isn’t near as like to be looking to go to pound town.”

“Dave, it’s all right, I lived a mighty fine life. I can't say I imagined I’d go out quite like this, but I suppose there are worse ways to start exploring that great beyond than some boner juice.”

“Hass.”

“James.”

“Hass you don’t-”

“Now, that will be quite enough of that! I won’t have you grounding me this time, no sir. You know I’m right ole chum. Dave couldn’t have seen it, but I know you did. Those big cats we saw going at it, those weren’t several different animals, they were the same two. The same two all day and all night.”

“Sure, make fun of the blind guy. But who’s having the real last laugh here? The guy who couldn’t see two giant pussies fucking all night or the guys who did?”

“Dave, please.” Of all the things James had expected when he’d agreed to hire Dave on, one of them was not, "I’ll have to wrangle him too." That had been the opposite of the plan, because Hass and he weren’t young. A little peace would have gone a long way toward soothing aching joints no longer being pulled into every other danger zone and crazy venture. He loved the job, but it was hard. It was hard, it was dirty, it was exhausting and it was most likely what would kill them both in the end so why not make the last few years a little easier?

That had been the plan, but then Dave had come along. Fresh out of college with a degree in photography and some dabbling in anthropology, he was just like any other college kid; looking for a job in an attempt to start his career. He’d looked perfect on paper. Good grades, hard-working, dedicated, had his life together better than many a twenty-three-year-old and had one stellar portfolio. Such was the advantage of privilege, a few good study habits and raw natural talent honed into fierce skill throughout a lifetime. Or so he thought.

Turned out the Dave on paper was both a total lie and the complete truth. He was still hard-working, dedicated made good grades and had an incredible skill, but a privileged life? No. And the grades he’d made were only for college. There was no high school, not really because the papers were fake. Fake birth certificate, fake social security, fake ID, fake passport and even fake vaccination records. Fake everything, because his cushy life growing up in cliche, comfortable suburbia was a lie. And the truth was that he’d grown up abused by his older brother in Texas. Truth was that he had albinism, was legally blind and dealing with trauma James could scarce imagine. But when he did, because sometimes it was inevitable, he always made sure to call his son to tell him he loved him. He loved Dave too, albeit in a very different sort of way than John. They were the same age, but he wasn’t his son and never had been. He was a young man just trying to get by the best he knew. And a young man with someone in his pocket who was even more skilled than he at getting necessary papers. If ever there was someone who’d follow in their footsteps, it was the mysterious, reclusive man Dave only referred to as “timeausTestified".

He’d like to meet him one day, find out everything he knew, but that was a venture for the future; one he’d likely have to get through without Hass. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that, though with the fifteen years between them, it had always been the most likely scenario. “I know this isn’t opportune, but he’s right. We can’t-”

“Bullfuck.”

“Dave.”

“Shut up the both of you, I’m talking here and you can’t stop me this time. So I say again. Bull. Fuck. So what if those were the same two whatever fucking animal?”

They both opened their mouths.

“Hey, I can see that despite the cock in my face, mouths closed because I know what you’re going to say. ‘But Dave, you can’t fuck for that long and you’re twenty, there’s no way James can keep up at crusty old Plateosaurus age. And yes Hass, that means you’re a fossil from the early Palaeozoic AKA when the first animals were known to have walked on land. Now, I know my degree is in Anthropology, not Paleontology so listen to me when I say you’re both being a couple of Neanderthals. No, even worse, because our evolutionary ancestors were smart and you’re being a couple of dumbasses. I have half a mind to, ‘Okay boomer.’ you both because neither of you considered that all James and I need to do is drink the Kool-Aid too. No, shut up, I’m still not done. Yes, I know we don’t have to. Yes, I know that him drinking it is not a factor we can FOIL out of the equation, but factor this: I don’t give a flying fuck. There are a hundred thousand things I’ve done that are more morally ambiguous than this and you’re both hot. So fucking what if the catalyst to us fucking is some scientifically created hoodoo boner juice? Better that than being the catalyst to never seeing you again and tanking my career because I’ll never get another chance like this. Fuck, I don’t want another chance like this. I want to work with you until I’m the Neanderthal frozen in the ice to your crusty ass, earliest known dinosaur and fossilized first animal on land.”

He didn’t wait for a reply. He swirled his tongue over the slit and head of the dark cock in front of him, marched over to the canteen full of dosed water and drank while Hass muttered invective from before his time. Barneymugging, really. And he'd thought Dirk’s deep Texan accent was ridiculous. “All right, I’m cursed. James, are you in or are you out?”

He was in, of course. Dave oftentimes took a long time to get to his point, but when he finally did, it was almost always a good one. He drank the rest while Hass finished wiping cum off his thigh, already hard again, or more likely, he’d never lost his erection. Today was going to, quite possibly, be the longest day in his life and he’d already had a lifetime of long days thanks to Hass.


	2. The Hass Avocado is Ruining the Citrus Industry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They fuck. A lot. And Dave finds even more reason to hate the color red.

This was, by far, the longest day of Hass Harley’s life and he’d had some pretty long ones in all his sixty-nine years. His age was feeling especially, as Dave would say, ironic in this situation, but it was impossible to appreciate when he was harder than the priceless diamonds he found at least once an expedition. Which, really, meant they weren’t so priceless and the industry was fricked, but that wasn’t within the scope of his expertise on a normal day, much less one where he was running painfully horny. Literally. He felt as if his insides were fire and as they burned they produced lust and arousal to replace the blood in his veins. Heck, maybe it did, he was no doctor either and there was no saying what this heinous stuff could do at its worst. Which made the fact that Dave and James both had downed his cursed water troubling, but he was not in the state of mind to regret or question it more than he already had. He’d shuffle off this mortal coil one day soon, but today would not be that day.

Before his thoughts could go any deeper down into the life he’d lived there was a hot, warm and wet mouth around his shaft.

“James!” He didn’t need to glance down to see it was his trusty accountant giving him the old spit and shine, he knew that sweet mouth better than his own. He’d known his half nephew in law since he’d been Dave’s age, but he still never failed to surprise him. He seemed such a timid and quiet sort most times, but inside him beat the heart of a lion. He was fiercely strong, he’d seen him lift a fridge before, stead-fast, and loyal. Almost impossible to shake, he’d been through hell and come out the other side fighting. For all that he was also caring, tender and kind. He didn’t know a more gentle soul nor one better suited to fatherhood. He’d done incredible work with John, even through very rocky teenage years, while being denied the chance to raise a daughter. Jane. She was the reason he’d joined in as his accountant all those years ago. Still grieving even three years after his daughter, John’s twin, had been abducted he’d come to the one man who could find anything without knowing their relation. That’d been a shock which would make Luke and Leia blush, since they’d done more than kiss by the time they figured how their family tree connected. He didn’t regret anything he’d done. If anything, he regretted what he hadn’t done: Found Jane. Maybe one day, but not today, because if he had to think past his horniness he might not live to see the morning. And worse, James and Dave might not either.

“You look good enough to eat, better than even my best snickerdoodles.”

Now he could hardly argue that, except his mouth wasn’t where he’d wanted to bury his family jewels. “And you look good enough to fuck raw and hard into the ground.”

“Holy shit, you sure you’re set on me fucking you? Because, gotta say, getting the switch pounded out of me sounds like a hell of a round one.”

“You’ll have to wait for round two, you selfish millenial.”

“Okay boomer.”

“Enough with the dick measuring contest, they’re already out, let’s use them.”

“Okay bottom.”

Dave was having entirely too much fun with this. He enjoyed the sass and light-hearted spirit but- well, butt really. He was aching, burning, freezing, grumpy, sleepy and at least three other dwarves here including leaky and Dave was taking his time to flirt with James.

“Great, since we’re all okay here can we-Eet heavens to Betsy that feels frigging incredible, fuck.” He rocked into the finger which had made a sudden appearance in his ass and brushed ghost light over his prostate. Dave had, as always, some impeccable timing.

“Holy shit- wait no, that’s like the fifth time I said that. Blasphemous bile, you’re loose as fuck here. It feels like you’ve been carrying a giant’s dildo in your ass for the past day. Have you been smuggling crack across borders again? Now I know my snow-white ass has a snow-white crack everyone craves, but this is just ridiculous.”

“First of all, that was one humdinging doozy of an accident. I thought I was smuggling antibiotics to help a suffering village, not muling for some infernal cartel. And second of all, if you don’t start fucking me in the next thirty seconds, chum, you’ll see round diez long before you get wrekt, son.”

“Boo, zero out of ten, do not try to burn me again or your toupee will slip and show off your bald spot.”

“Twenty-three seconds.”

“Actually it’s- yeah, actually it is twenty-three. Damn, nice guess. Also, it’s twenty-two more seconds for me to go on about how that was such a terrible burn that burns across the world are healing in disgusted reverence for your attempt. Not only were you chock full of shit, just like James is about to be chock full of deez nuts, but diez? Lame.”

“My god, you’re really going to wait twenty-nine seconds aren’t you?”

“Yup.”

Not five seconds later Dave's cock, now running hot thanks to the infected water, finally pressed into him.

“When did you get lube?”

“When I yoinked your canteen. It’s James’ though, it smells like cake.”  
That was the last Dave said for a while, as lust and the need to fuck tied even his legendary tongue. A shame, he’d put good use to it again later, but for now, he had a death to fuck out of him.

“Go James.”

James, who’d been getting naked, quickly aligned himself against his cock. His own was flushed as well and bright, angry red at the head. He took it in his wrinkled, liver-spotted hand and jerked him off like he’d done when the only blemishes there were scars. He crooned low and sweet, cock twitch-pulsing in his hand. He shouldn’t have been so easy to rile up, but these were extraordinary circumstances and- and Dave had stopped fucking him. Goodness, he was a brat. Striders, every last damn one of them, were going to be the death of him if adventure didn’t kill him first.

“Dave, what in the-”

He didn’t get another word out before he fucked into him hard while James rocked his ass fully onto his dick. Stars exploded against his vision, someone screamed, possibly they all did. He came again, deep into an ass that felt like it was burning while it clenched fitfully around him. But it burned so good, so fucking good he never wanted it to stop. It was filling him; that burn. Red hot and deep inside, he felt it in his core, his soul.

Distantly he was aware the feeling was Dave cumming inside him, but of all the unimportant thoughts he’d ever had, that felt the most unimportant, so he did what every old man had the right to do and forgot about it. He forgot about his worries, responsibilities, burdens and unfinished business and lived in the moment. Selfish maybe, but he’d never get a fucking chance like this again. Literally.

They were all hard again in moments. So still not round two judging by the way Dave grabbed hold of his hips. He didn’t give him the pleasure of taking the lead this time and instead speared himself on his cock; seating himself fully with one fluid thrust. The younger man let out a wanton moan even as he scrambled to pull himself free and get a rhythm going.

James meanwhile, clenched hard around his cock while he jerked himself off, not content with just one hand on him. Hass couldn’t blame him, with the aphrodisiac coursing through them, one of anything would never be enough.

“I got you, amigo.”

He wrapped his free hand around his and helped jerk him off while he cupped his balls. With every squeeze he fucked into him again, quickly building up a rhythm counter beat to Dave pounding away at his ass. His fingers were digging in hard, thank fuck for short nails, and his breath ragged, but still he plowed on at his steady rhythm, keeping it up even when he or James faltered or changed it up. Maybe there was something to him being younger after all or maybe he just had rhythm. Before he could figure he let the thought go as a breathless moan pressed into an ear.

Four hours and thirteen minutes, that was how long round one lasted. By the end of it, Hass wasn’t entirely sure what his name was, but he did know that it took only six minutes and twelve seconds for round two, where Dave made good on his own promise of getting the fuck switched out of him.

And by eleven eleven (and eleven seconds) the next night, it was finally out of their systems. Billions of stars danced above them while they lay sweaty, breathless and stained with what had to be a bucket worth of cum. Sore but alive, they celebrated their victory with a drink of water, just not one from the river, and a feast from their packs. They ate from one another’s hands, compared notes about the day they had, hugged and finally huddled together under their sleeping bags. They were dirty, exhausted and half-dead from their expedition, but come sunrise they’d be on their way. Sort of. There was one last job left to do.

Ten twenty-five in the morning, almost forty-eight hours after Hass had first stuck his dick in Dave’s face, they came to the source of the river and the pollution. There was no surprise for Hal or Hass in seeing the dead body of a young woman dressed in a crimson red uniform which bore spoons on the lapels and a fork on the back. Dave was surprised, but only because he’d never known red was the official color of Betty Crocker. He hid his surprise though, and when he thought the others weren’t looking, scratched a cancer sign and the initials SBAHJ into a nearby tree before memorizing the coordinates James had sussed out. He was not Dirk’s brother, but one day when he was famous for his photography, he might be able to do what he did. He was getting there. Traveling with Hass and James was getting him noticed, he just had to hope he’d get noticed enough before he got killed.

At high noon they were all off on their venture. Dave was still so very not used to any of this bullshit, but it was still pretty cool to ruin the citrus (scale) industry with (a) Hass (Avocado)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might just be the first person to write for this ship on this site. At least I couldn't find a relationship tag for it so, that's actually pretty incredible! What a way to git gud. Maybe. Possible. I don't know, but I do know the, 'the job gets dirty and tiring.' took a weird plot turn at Albuquerque so if anyone wants to see more of it I've got it in spades. (And diamonds, clubs, hearts, marshmallows, clovers and balloons.)


End file.
